Image for 50 Cent Urges Fans To Stop Masturbating: ‘God Is Watching You’

50 Cent Urges Fans To Stop Masturbating: ‘God Is Watching You’

Written by Mike Hohnen on September 28, 2012

God only knows what’s been going through 50 Cent’s head these past few days. God seems to have struck fear into the heart of Fiddy. The rapper has tweeted about his conversion to abstinence, and plans on bringing his followers with him. 50 cent posted 4 easy steps that will have you on your way to shaking off the shackles of self-exploration.

So in other words, masturbation. Fiddy has had a bit of a change of heart on the practice after discovering (in his own words) “women = confusion”. “God is watching you” he is quick to remind his fans after also reminding us that masturbation is, in fact, a sin.

Of course, quitting cold turkey would probably be too much of a challenge for most, so the hip hop mogul suggested ways to help:

Step #1 seems fairly simple enough: “To avoid the urge to masturbate, stop going to porn sites”. But I mean, is that really the order in which things happen?

Step #2 is a little bit harder: “Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you”. That one actually goes against human DNA, so good luck practicing that.

Step #3 shouldn’t pose too much of a challenge to most: “Do not go to strip clubs”. But I’d say people who actually masturbate in strip clubs have probably heard that before.

Step #4 would probably have worked better in the 70s but still sounds reasonable I suppose: “Do not look at lust-filled magazines”. Check.

So, thankfully, people have known this is a ‘sin’ forever and nothing has changed. If Fiddy had his way, the world would become a far less fun and a far more sexually frustrated place. And without tales of sleaze and lust, what would 50 Cent actually rap about? Poor business planning, bro.

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