Well, shit. It actually happened. America has just elected Donald “Grab ‘Em By The Pussy” Trump as its new president. They’ve gone from nominating their first ever black Commander In Chief, to their first ever orange-reality-TV-game-show-star Commander In Chief.
2016 is truly is the year that memes reached their dankest potential.
And if this hilariously amazing video comparing Trump to the corporate triceratops from hit 90’s TV sitcom Dinosaurs is to be believed (and you should totally watch it, btw), it’s a move that will send the USA right back to the Cretaceous period.
Early on in Trump’s campaign, we noted some scary similarities between his presidential bid and that of wannabe POTUS Kanye West. But in the wake of the increasing bigotry, racism and straight-up insanity that’s categorised Trump’s race to the White House, we can’t help but feel like Yeezy would make a much better preezy after all, and we’ve listed a few reasons why.
1. He’s a better businessman
The Donald’s businesses have declared bankruptcy more than four times, while Kanye West was able to slap a nutso US$120 price tag on a line of plain white T-shirts and watch them sell out fkn instantly. Up yours, Trump Steaks! (RIP)
Watch: Ad For Now-Defunct Trump Steaks, 2007
2. He “has the best words”
Despite Trump’s braggadocios boast that he “knows words” and “has the best words”, Kanye — as a professional wordsmith with one of the biggest vocabularies in the music industry — undoubtedly has better ones.
Watch: Donald Trump – ‘I Have The Best Words’
3. He owns up to his mistakes & is (at least slightly) less sexist
As the saying goes, it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. And that’s something that Trump pretty much never does. The Combover King even refused to apologise for his sickening “grab ’em by the pussy” comments last month, instead fobbing the whole thing off as mere “locker room talk”. Yeezy on the other hand — despite his occasional Trump-like displays of egomania — at least has the self-awareness and humility to reflect on, and learn from, his mistakes. The rap mogul has openly admitted to not respecting women as much as he should have in the past, and reckons The Kardashians have taught him a thing or two about feminism. Whether or not that’s actually true, at least he can still pronounce Beyonce’s name right.
Watch: Trump Mispronounces “Beyonce”
4. He wants to stop racially motivated violence
While in the face of escalating racial tensions in the US — where police violence against African Americans (as well as riots and retaliation attacks) seem to be becoming more and more commonplace — Donald Trump has only fuelled the fire, blasting the Black Lives Matter movement, accusing it of helping instigate police killings and telling its supporters: “If black lives matter, then go back to Africa. We’ll see how much they matter there.”
Whereas Yeezy has openly expressed solidarity with the campaign to end violence and police discrimination against African Americans, while his wife Kim K has penned an emotional and legitimately intelligent essay on the subject, writing:
“The last thing we need is to fuel anger with more hate of violence, especially toward the many incredible police officers who risk their lives every single day to protect our families and communities. We must peacefully use the power of our voices and the strength of our numbers to demand changes in the judicial system so that brutality doesn’t ever go unpunished.”
5. He has a better relationship with China
Donald Trump has a well-documented beef with China, having demonised the country so often over the course of his election campaign that the internet has gifted us with a dedicated megamix:
Watch: Donald Trump China Remix
Although on the other side of the election, it feels like less of a laughing matter. Trump’s anti-China rhetoric could not only spell disaster for diplomatic relations between the two super powers, but it also threatens to put Australia in the precarious position of trying to maintain diplomatic ties with both. Yeezy, however, spent a year of his childhood living in China, and has frequently travelled there in his adult life to work on his sneaker line.
Kanye West graduating Year 5 in China. Picture: Coleman Rayner
6. It would easily result in the best season of The Kardashians ever
OK, so most of us loathe this show. But The Kardashians – White House Edition? Shit, who wouldn’t watch that?
KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS SEASON 427: WHITE HOUSE EDITION pic.twitter.com/siqzxArlfG
— BRODY FOXX – Host of #YoMama – 3M Fans on YouTube (@BrodyFoxx) September 4, 2015
7. White House parties would be off chops
As well as splashing out more funding for the arts than nuclear weapons, we’d also like to think that — instead of building a giant wall to keep the Mexicans out — music lover Yeezy would instead build a giant floating stage outside The White House and use it to throw huge presidential parties, concerts and festivals.
8. He’s not Donald Trump
Bring on #Yeezy2020