Sufjan Stevens, of all people, has been the latest celebrity to throw their unsolicited 2 cents at Miley Cyrus, though the chillwave bro has chosen a much more subtle approach towards “bettering” the pop star while also taking the opportunity to have a cheeky flirt. Oh, Sufjan, you old dog.
Whereas Sinead O’Conner and Amanda Palmer decided to take the whole feminism road, Stevens approaches things from a much more grammatical standpoint. Quite taken by Cyrus’ latest album Bangerz, Stevens uses the album track Get It Right as a starting point.
“Dear Miley”, he writes, “I can’t stop listening to #GetItRight (great song, great message, great body), but maybe you need a quick grammar lesson.” Steven then points of the incorrect use of the word “laying”, which instead should have been “lying”. People LOVE it when you do that shit, dude. Eager to stay on the right side of Cyrus and dodge the label of Grammar Nazi, Stevens backpedals somewhat: “I’m not the best lyricist, but you know what I mean.”
Having impressed the impressionable lass with his big, hard lexicon, Stevens strikes again, this time giving Cyrus some pointers for her present perfect continuous tense, before the kicker – turning it all into a deep, existential compliment. People LOVE deep, existential compliments:
“Anyway, doesn’t that also sum up your career right now? Present. Perfect. Continuous. And Tense. Intense? Girl, you work it like Mike Tyson. Miley, I love you because you’re the Queen, grammatically and anatomically speaking”
If she wasn’t swooning already, his sign out – “and you’re the hottest cake in the pan” – was sure to do the trick, even if it makes no sense.
You can read Steven’s missive in full below. So far, no response from Cyrus, though O’Connor is probably typing hers as we speak.
“Dear Miley. I can’t stop listening to #GetItRight (great song, great message, great body), but maybe you need a quick grammar lesson. One particular line causes concern: “I been laying in this bed all night long.” Miley, technically speaking, you’ve been LYING, not LAYING, an irregular verb form that should only be used when there’s an object, i.e. “I been laying my tired booty on this bed all night long.” Whatever. I’m not the best lyricist, but you know what I mean. #Get It Right The Next Time. But don’t worry, even Faulkner messed it up. We all make mistakes, and surely this isn’t your worst misdemeanor. But also, Miley, did you know the tense here is also totally wrong. Surely you’ve heard of Present Perfect Continuous Tense (I HAVE BEEN LYING in this bed all night long [hopefully getting some beauty sleep?]). It’s a weird, equivocal, almost purgatorial tense, not quite present, not quite past, not quite here, not quite there. Somewhere in between. I feel that way all the time. It kind of sucks. But I have a feeling your “present perfect continuous” involves a lot more excitement than mine. Anyway, doesn’t that also sum up your career right now? Present. Perfect. Continuous. And Tense. Intense? Girl, you work it like Mike Tyson. Miley, I love you because you’re the Queen, grammatically and anatomically speaking. And you’re the hottest cake in the pan. Don’t ever grow old. Live brightly before your fire fades into total darkness. XXOO Sufjan”
(Via Hit Fix)