Here’s What We Think These 12 Musician’s Dicks Look Like

Yesterday the universe gifted us with what has easily become the best music news story of the year, finally answering the age old question that has plagued mankind for eons and allowing us all to see what Lenny Kravitz’s dick looks like.

As pointed out by your favourite crazy aunty Steven Tyler, Lenny’s peen is indeed pierced, of fairly solid length and robust girth. Way to go Lenny!

Unfortunately for us (read: me) however, Kravitz’s dong is one of very few publically displayed musician wang and it’s led me to ponder on what several other muso’s are packing in their tighty-whities.

As a longtime fan of all things peen, I bring you this investigative, but also entirely speculative, piece of essential journalism where I, much like Azealia Banks in her one and only song 212 ponder, “What’s your dick like homie?”.

Dave Grohl

Dave Grohl’s dick is definitely a monster. I mean, this is Dave fucking Grohl we’re talking about, one of the most influential and prolific rock musicians of the modern age. I’m picturing slightly above average length, with some beefy circumference to it and the main identifying feature being an absolute Amazon jungle of pubic hair. Impertinent to any man-made cutting implements, Grohl’s bush is an unruly mess of a forest, and old mate Dave wouldn’t have it any other way.


How big IS it Dave?

Justin Bieber

I’d put a solid $50 on Bieber’s dick being super pretty. Like, just, real nice to look at. Perfectly average size but with some real nice colouration and incredibly well manicured pubes. But that’d be it. Bieber’s boner would be a prize-winner in the looks department, but incredibly disappointing in performance. Much like his career, really.



Unfortunately for Pitbull, and any females who find their lives at such a desperate and irrecoverably dark place that they happen to encounter it, Mr. Worldwide has no shaft. None. It’s just a small mushroom shaped nub protruding from his crotch. His brash and obscenely confident stage demeanour stems (lol, stem) from this under-developed appendage. Guys, don’t laugh please. Our thoughts are with Pitbull during this trying time.



Flume’s dick must be one of the greatest wangs in Australian musical history imho, like the kind of wang painted on a Roman vase, kind of great. I also reckon it has a slight glow to it, much like one of those swords in the Lord Of The Rings which go blue when orcs are around. Whenever Harley goes full mongrel his flute emanates a kaleidoscopic array of light, including some colours never before seen by human eyes. Ever find yourself in a blackout and Flume’s around? Get him to whip it out and light the way (to your heart).


Vance Joy

We’ve all wondered what exactly is inside Vance’s pances, and I for one think he must have an adorable peen. Not overly impressive in any way, not the kind of dick if you saw walking down the street you’d stop and go “Woah! Now that’s a dick”, but a winner nonetheless. I’m guessing uncircumcised with a cute little hoody winking at you. Vance Joy’s penis would look after you, nurture you, care for you.


The Madden Brothers

Ugh, these pair of dicks are a nightmare. And their genitals wouldn’t be any better either. Truly dog’s breakfasts of a pair of dongs, I bet they’ve got matching tattoos that say “Good Charlotte” in some hideous Ed Hardy font that they got when the band was at its peak and they thought the glory of fame would never die. Gross. Joel’s is probs slightly bigger tho.


One Direction

In order of size: Niall styles-dick

Guy Sebastian

After being forced to lose his characteristic fro after pressure from label management in the mid-noughties in order to appear more trendy to the kids, Guy Sebastian, in a private statement of defiance, simply transferred the spherical bob of curls elsewhere. Yep, Guy almost definitely has a pube-fro sitting atop mini-Guy, and it’s a party down there every day.


I bet his balls have a goatee too.

David Bowie

We don’t need to speculate a whole lot on Bowie’s bone-machine, as anyone who’s watched Labyrinth once (or in my case several hundred times, always pausing and zooming in on the pertinent scenes) knows the general proportions of it. It’s a solid peen. My hypothesis however is that it has a lightning bolt tattoo, a la Ziggy Stardust, on the pubis region, pointing towards the promise land that is his glorious Johnson.


Lady Gaga

HEY, that was a myth! Lady Gaga does NOT have a dick, alright? She is a beautiful and talented women who deserves your god damn respect! That being said if she DID have a member, it’d be powerfully sized, covered in white gemstones and constantly accessorised with a variety of fashion-forward hats.


Like that, but on a dick.

David Guetta

Do you remember the first time you saw a picture of David Guetta? After drunkenly shuffling around numerous times to Memories in late 2009, you maybe envisioned him as a babin’ French slice of sex with eyes that remind you of an ocean you’ve never been to and a sunset you’ve never witnessed. Remember how gutted you were when you discovered he actually looks like a mole rat that’s rolled in sewage? I reckon copping eyes on his dick would be like that, but times ten.


Justin Timberlake

Okay, JT has to have something wrong with his dick. The ludicrously talented and god-like attractive Grammy and Emmy award winning singer/actor/legend is such a perfect specimen of humanity that I simply do not believe that he has a great looking schlong. Something nasty is going down in his pants (his pubes are def blonde tipped for one), like a strong kink giving it mad angles or some messed up balls that have aged ahead of time. Please. This has to be true. For me.


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