Tool Frontman Maynard James Keenan To Write Regular Newspaper Column

As if being an impressive and influential musician and lyricist wasn’t enough, Maynard James Keenan, of Tool and A Perfect Circle fame, has now turned his hand to journalism. Thanks to a deal with Phoenix New Times, Keenan will be producing a bi-weekly column about whatever is on the singer’s mind at the time.

Keenan’s first instalment is titled These Are the “End of Days” and sees the Tool frontman entertainingly rant about the apocalypse, suggesting people hand over all their possessions and cash to Keenan, as read in these excerpts lifted from the article by Loudwire.

“The inherent problem with being a Chicken Little-type person is that if or when the sky ever falls, I’ll be too flattened to snip “See? I told ya so!” And although I live near Sedona, I possess no crystal ball, and any Tarot cards I may have owned have certainly all been shredded in the spokes of my long retired banana seat Huffy,” writes Keenan.

“These are in fact the ‘End of Days’ and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible! Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier’s check for the full amount … along with that cashiers check, I’m gonna need [for] you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can’t be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.”

If these snippets have you keen for more Maynard James Keenan, check out the full article here

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