The countdown is on to the audiovisual glitter-bomb that is the Eurovision 2015 final. One hero will stand alone against an army of transoceanic sequins, outrageous wigs, industrial strength hairspray and maniacally choreographed dance moves in a bid to win glory for Australia in our first ever year as an official Eurovision contender. Geography be damned.
That hero is Guy Theodore Sebastian, and if the competition semi-finals are anything to go by, the original Australian Idol has his work cut out for him.
It can’t be a chill time for Sebastian, who is carrying the hopes and dreams of our fair nation on his alarmingly un-adorned shoulders. So we thought we’d do him a solid. Not by sewing him a fabulous peacock-lizard costume, although that couldn’t hurt either, but by compiling him a list of his fiercest competition in the Eurovision song contest.
So here it is Guy, designed for your education and training purposes. And like, just for our entertainment.
Sweden: Mans Zelmerlow – Heroes
With Zelmerlow-mania sweeping Vienna, the singer is basically Sebastian’s evil Swedish nemesis and one of the biggest threats to his winning the Eurovision crown.
Belgium – Loic Nottet – Rhythm Inside
With Loic Nottet, Sebastian is up against a veritable rhythmic Children of the Corn. A group of amazing young voices performing a gratuitously infectious, toe-tapping boogie. These guys are high on the hitlist.
Poland: Monika Kuszynska – In the Name of Love
Kuszynska gives a powerful performance from a wheelchair, so dirty tactics won’t work. Sebastian will have to beat her with pure talent alone.
Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa, Goodbye To Yesterday
Estonia has steadily been rising up the betting odds ladder, currently standing at 11:1 favourites to find glory in Vienna. There’s got to be some voodoo involved though, there’s a lot of evil eye going on here and their shadows DO NOT MOVE.
Israel – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy
So, call us crazy, or are there some striking similarities between Guy’s voice and old mate Nadav’s? Guy better up his shoe-game to compete with this sonic doppelgänger.
Russia: Polina Gagarina, A Million Voices
Good luck pulling off a gown like that, Sebastian.
Cyprus: John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done
Never underestimate the power of the power ballad. Or the transformative powers of technicolour television.
Italy: Il Volo – Grande Amore
Well-sculpted facial hair. Check. Impeccably tailored suits. Check. Powerful, operatic Italian vocals. Check. Tongue-in cheek Ghost/ Spiderman reference. Check mate, Sebastian.
United Kingdom: Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You
JK, of course we’ll beat the UK. What even is this?