NewsWritten by Emmy Mack on February 25, 2016
Hold on to your feathered capes and get ready to soil your sequinned underpants because the artist who will represent Australia at this year’s global battle for musical supremacy, Eurovision, is set to be unveiled next week.
Yes, the champion who will contest the 2016 Eurovision song competition in the name of Vegemite, drop bears and the great Land Down Under will be announced next Thursday, 3rd March.
And who better to pull his or her name out of the Goblet Of Fire than the 2014 Queen of Eurovision herself, Conchita Wurst?
Apt, since her country, Austria, is the one that invited us to compete in Eurovision the first place.
As SBS reports, Wurst will unveil Australia’s official contestant during a one-off concert with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra – dubbed Conchita: From Vienna with Love – followed by a very special performance by our brand new Aussie Eurovision star on the iconic Sydney Opera House stage.
We know at least 585 punters who will have a lot riding on the outcome, after signing a petition to send national treasure Shannon Noll to Stockholm, Sweden as Eurovision 2016 superstar (up yours, Guy Sebastian!)
Fingers crossed for a Conchita/Nollsy duet you guys.
In the meantime, SBS has invited us all to keep a close eye on their official Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages over the next week for “exclusive clues and hints” about Australia’s next Eurovision contestant.
Competition organisers announced Australia’s second chance at taking out the Eurovision title back in November of 2015, with Eurovision 2016 set to take place in Stockholm’s Globe Arena on 10th, 12th and 14th May.
Gallery: 13 Acts Australia Should Have Sent To Eurovision (But Probably Wouldn’t Have)
Tkay Maidza - Why she should: She's emblematic of rising Australian talent and would help put an end to the world's clichéd views of Australian art and culture.
Why she won't: Not cliché enough.
Kirin J. Callinan - Why he should: Apart from the fact that he has a killer voice, Kirin J. Callinan's shows are known for being abrasive, surreal and often chaotic, pushing the limits wherever possible. Given the opportunity, Callinan can show the Europeans they're not the only ones with built in quirk.
Why he won't: OK perhaps he's too quirky, even for Eurovision.
Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu - Why he should: We have a captive audience on the world stage, a perfect platform to share the beautiful voice and music of a treasured Indigenous Australian.
Why he won’t: Not enough sequins.
TISM - Why they should: The people have spoken, give them what they want.
Why they won’t: Presently, they're broken up. (You might be able to change that though…)
Nick Cave - Why he should: No one can command a theatrical stage like our man Nick and in terms of European fans he's got them.
Why he won't: Too Brechtian for Eurovision. Still there's always the cameo option, if Kylie gets it.
B1 and/or B2 - Why they should: They're national treasures goddammit and with those cuts to the ABC they're going to need some international exposure.
Why they won't: If the Dustin The Turkey experience taught us anything, it's that the Eurovision is not kind to puppets.
Empire of the Sun - The Australia electro pop kings know how to put together a visual feast of a stage show.
Why they won't: It's likely they won't stick to Eurovision's maximunm of 6 people on stage rule. Plus no-one can find Nick Littlemore.
The Red Paintings - Why they should: Experimental art rock is their game and the Geelong act know how to work a costume department and a crowd, known for getting the audience up on stage to paint on human canvases during their shows.
Why they won't: Eurovision's not really big on the whole "audience participation" thing.
Hiatus Kaiyote - Why they should: They're a Grammy-nominated Australian future-soul band with a huge international following. Their music borrows ingredients from far-reaching places across the world and throws them together to create a distinctive soul-infused sound, like no other.
Why they won't: Hiatus Kaiyote's future soul stylings might just be too out of this world, even for Eurovision. And there's no way they'll be able to stick to that 3 minute song time limit.
Tripod - Why they should: They’re the perfect musical representation of our typically dry humour, and the idea of three laid back middle-aged smart arses singing about the Girl In The Comic Book Shop amongst the often deadly serious Euros speaks to our penchant for disrupting the status quo.
Why they won’t: Eurovision might be populated by a bunch of dags, but it’s just not the same if you’re aware of how daggy you actually are. Sorry, guys.
Courtney Barnett - Why she should: If you're after the quintessential Australian voice, Courtney Barnett has it and it's wonderful. She's a modern Australian storyteller, stringing together narratives with signature deadpan puns.
Why she won't: Given it's our first year competing, maybe we should ease up on the Aussie puns.
Ne Obliviscaris - Why they should: This Melbourne outfit are one of our most promising metal exports. Their dark, dramatic visage and cinematic brand of orchestral thrash proves that Aussies can metal with the best that Europe has to offer.
Why they won’t: Mainstream Australia might shrivel into their couches and turn to dust when they discover Aussie heavy metal bands with this much flair actually exist.