Noel Gallagher is not a known giver of fucks. The former Oasis muso and notorious loose canon recently stopped by for a chinwag with the folks at Esquire and was in top form, firing off expletive-laden slag-pellets at all your favourite artists – from Radiohead to Royal Blood, from One Direction to Adele, from Foals to Jimmy freaking Page. Oh and, naturally, his brother Liam.
You can read the full interview here, but to save you the hassle, we’ve broken down all of the acts who’ve been gunned down by Gallagher’s semi-automatic shade canon, below.
Noel Slags Off
“I’m aware that Radiohead have never had a fucking bad review. I reckon if Thom Yorke fucking shit into a light bulb and started blowing it like an empty beer bottle it’d probably get 9 out of 10 in fucking Mojo. I’m aware of that. Technically, there’s better songwriters than I am. Guardian writers will tell you that. Have other people’s songs ever really touched a generation, though? Radiohead? When do people listen to them? Is it when they go out, or is it when they come in? Because I’m struggling to think.”
…Thom Yorke A Bit More
“Look, as soon as Thom Yorke writes a song as good as fucking Mony Mony, give us a fucking shout. Me and my missus, we were at the Coachella festival a couple of years ago and Radiohead were headlining. We were like, ‘Right, let’s give them one more chance. Let’s go and see them.’ Beautiful, sunny night. We walked out through the crowd as they came on, and they were playing this post-techno: ‘de-de de de.’ We were a bit pissed. Fucking great. And then he started singing. No. Not for us. We’re party people.”
…Alex Turner, Miles Kane & Royal Blood (Also, Skrillex A Bit)
“This new generation of rock stars, they look great: Alex Turner, Miles Kane, the guys from Royal Blood. They’ve got the fucking skinny jeans and the boots, and all that eyeliner. I’ve got a cat that’s more rock’n’roll than all of them put together. Pigeons? Rips their fucking heads off. I go back to this: fame is fucking wasted on these people.
The new generation of rock stars, when have they ever said anything that made you laugh? When have they ever said anything you remember? People say, ‘They’re interesting.’ Interesting! That’s a word that’s crept in to music: ‘Yeah, man. Have you heard the new Skrillex record?’
‘Yeah, man. It’s really interesting.’
I don’t want interesting! Rock’n’roll’s not about that. To me, it’s about fucking utter gobshites just being fucking headcases. Well, not headcases. But what I want, genuinely, is somebody with a fucking drug habit, who’s not Pete Doherty. Do you know what I mean?”
“You’re not seriously telling me that anyone is going to be listening to Foals in 12 years. Is anybody going to be fucking begging for Hot Chip to get back together in 22 years? I don’t fucking think so.”
…One Direction, Ellie Goulding & Adele
“Does anybody give a fuck about what any of these current pop stars are up to? Who gives a shit what fucking One Direction do? Cocksuckers, all of them in rehab by the time they’re 30. Who gives a shit what Ellie Goulding is up to? Really? Adele, what? Blows my fucking mind. It blows my fucking mind. Nobody cares! Fame’s wasted on them, with their fucking in-ear monitors and their electronic cigarettes. And their fragrances that they’re bringing out for Christmas. You fucking dicks.”
Noel Slags Off… Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Page
“I was being asked about [an Oasis] reunion five weeks after I left the band. It’s a modern phenomenon. It’s a modern disease. All the bands that get back together, all those ones you’ve mentioned [Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin] they didn’t have anybody in the lineup as fucking brilliant as me. What’s the guitarist out of Fleetwood Mac called? Lindsay Buckingham. I can’t remember him setting the world on fire. Jimmy Page? That’s debatable. He’s a good guitarist but I’m not sure how many solo albums he’s fucking made.”
“He was rightly put up there as this fucking huge rock star but he didn’t write a note, not a word. From my perspective I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel about the mania surrounding us, and you knowing in your fucking soul that you were responsible for really wearing the clothes.”
And, as a bonus…
“On Instagram I fucking hate whingeing rock stars. And I hate pop stars who are just… neh. Just nothing, you know? ‘Oh, yeah, my last selfie got 47-thousand-million likes on Instagram.’ Yeah, why don’t you go fuck off and get a drug habit, you penis?”