Lamb Of God frontman and renown spinner of yarns Randy Blythe made quite some waves on the web this week when he took to his Instagram account to detail his experience with one of the lesser known dangers of drinking and driving. That is, spilling hot coffee and scalding your penis.
“WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL,” began the horrifying tale. “There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments.”
The singer goes on to recount how he was driving to the grocery store in surf shorts “listening to some mellow piano music and making a right turn” when the lid came off a mug of hot coffee he had placed between his legs. “Suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch,” he wrote. “The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis.”
Blythe said he momentarily lost control of his truck before managing to pull into a parking lot to assess the situation and begun his psychologically long journey back home. “I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now.”
The aforementioned words of encouragement, wrote Blythe, went along the lines of: “OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY F—. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO.”
In the week since the incident, Blythe has since provided an update on the condition of his penis. “HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES,” he wrote on a subsequent Instagram post. “No scarring, no scabbing, no PTSD. He’s good to go.”
“While the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it’s not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news,” he continued.
For the sceptical, Blythe also provided a video of him surfing just days after the scalding incident to prove his good health once and for all. “I ask you, my friends- is this the wipe out of a man not in full command of his penis? Would a man suffering the agony of penile distress have the presence of mind to wave goodbye to the camera so gracefully? NO, HE WOULD NOT.”
Head to Randy Blythe’s Instagram account for the full text version of this harrowing tale and for a warning on the importance of cup holders.
Photos: Lamb Of God, Meshuggah – Festival Hall, Melbourne 22/09/13