Read Maynard James Keenan’s Hilarious Takedown Of Marriage Equality Nay-Sayers

Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan has opened up a can of philosophical whoop-ass on the opponents of marriage equality.

As rainbow-toned celebrations erupted across the US and the world this week, following the legalisation of gay marriage across all 50 states, the requisite bigots and far-right conservatives came out of the woodwork to mar the joy.

While in America, various evangelical nut-jobs threatened to set themselves on fire or else move Down Under to protest the fact that their gay brothers and sisters had finally been given the basic right to have their love legitimised by law, here in Australia itself, where similar legislation has yet to pass, the debate around same-sex marriage reached boiling point.

We Aussies generally like to think of ourselves as being more rational and civilised than the vocal contingent of crackpots who seem to populate the US, you know, the kind who like to see the devil everywhere and are often given their own TV shows via which to report sightings of said devil. So the news that their country had beaten us to the marriage equality punch, despite being wonderful news for Americans, also stung hard here in our own backyard.

Aussie musicians are just one group who have since turned up the heat on the Australian government to follow America’s lead, and you can check out what some of them have had to say in the gallery below.

But perhaps the best person for Tony Abbott and his backwater polly posse to listen to would be Maynard James Keenan, frontman of Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer and others, who has hilariously dismantled the claims of doomsday evangelists who squawk prophecies about this historical milestone of equality, sanity and love bringing forth the apocalypse, as such:

Where to begin? Maybe I’m missing some insider info. Maybe the religious zealots are in fact as omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent as their one true God. Maybe they have a working knowledge or understanding of his plan. And therefore our celebration of this glorious day will be met with eternal damnation, fire and brimstone, blah blah blah.

Or maybe circumstances have changed. Just like when it was supposedly necessary to write a Bible V2 aka The New Testament. Maybe we are in fact coming closer to a Revelation, a Rapture, or a Home Coming of sorts. Maybe there is a divine plan that no one could possibly comprehend. And the religious zealots are in fact NOT omniscient, omnipotent or omnipresent. Maybe this one God of pure light of which they speak put forth a test. And the test was to recognize pure LOVE. I’ll say it again in case you were speed reading. Maybe the entry level test was to recognize pure LOVE aka LIGHT, Infinite and without Judgement. And they all fucking blew it. (PLEASE PLEASE follow through with your threats to set yourselves on fire. Soooo many problems solved.)

Or maybe I’m wrong and we’ll all be smoking turds in hell.

Doubtful.

Congratulations to LOVE winning over antiquated archaic judgement.

M J Keenan
World Class Multi Tasker,
Curmudgeon, Musician, Winemaker.

Choice words, MJ. Now where’s that bloody Tool album?

Gallery: 22 Aussie Musicians Calling For Marriage Equality