Totally Unicorn’s Totally Raucous Tour Diary, Part 2

Totally Unicorn have already got a reputation as a band that gives absolutely everything on stage night after night, and they’ve also got a reputation for being a bunch of legendary loose units. It’s lucky for us, then, that they documented all of the above shenanigans in a hilarious tour diary, which chronicles their adventures at the recent BIGSOUND conference and Poison City Weekender, plus all the house parties, wine tastings and assorted other hijinks that came in between.

Here is part 2, read part 1 here.

The Crown and Anchor, Adelaide w/ God God Dammit Dammit, Powerchuck and Stabbither and The Knifey Wifeys

With a few days off in between our BIGSOUND showcases and the Poison City Weekender, we’ve begun what is our first headline tour. And with this, we start a series of interstate weekend trips. Adelaide is first up and we are met at the airport by our main wine-man and drummer, Mike, who has relocated to the City of Lights with his lovely wife.

On our way to Mike’s bro’s place in Magill, we stop at a grocery store to buy the cheapest thing available to cook for dinner. Our BIGSOUND shenanigans have left our wallets worse for ware; the rest of the tour will be cheap, nasty, and alcoholic where possible.

While at Jono’s house, sans Jono, we cook our feast of snags and home brand white bread. Joff shows up with a bunch of wines for each of us to sample – a friend of his has been working on a new batch of organic wines. By the time we leave Magill to head to the gig, we’re all soused Sallys. We still have five hours until show time.

The show goes well, despite our early start on the turps, and the night is a success. Before we leave, Drew gets in trouble for a mysterious pile of empty Melbourne Bitter bottles next to the merch desk. Some people just don’t have manners.

We retire to Mike and Jess’ place at Moana for the night and eat left over pizza, olives and hummus in our underpants.

Underpants Party

After breaky and wines courtesy of Mike’s kitchen work, we head to the airport for our flights to Perth. We take the scenic route and follow the coast. Drew’s forgotten his bag (again) so we turn around and head back to Mike’s place, then rush to the airport.

Kitchen Michael

Bubushka, Leederville, Perth w/ Scalphunter, Ratking and Ohm Rune.

We arrive at Perth airport and it’s fucking cold. Perth is supposed to be warm, dry and full of holes in the ground. Presently, this is not the case. We grab our hire car and head to our accommodation for the night – a hostel by the name of Wombat Backpackers.

Perth Hire Car

Continuing the too-broke-to-waste-money-on-the-finer-things, we’re happy that we only have to spend 20 bones each for a bed. This happiness is only momentary; we arrive at the hostel’s front counter (is it a front counter? Or a conveniently placed hole in the wall that some English backpacker installed one night after discovering goon) and are completely amazed by the building’s crack head chic. We retire to our room, one that should be only occupied by the band, fingers crossed. Drew heads for a shower; Mike and Kerim chill on the beds (Kerim actually looses most of his torso in the mattress); and Lee and I go for a wander to suss out the rest of the place. After a wander, it’s clear that this place is actually the most depressing, stain-ridden, shithole we’ve stayed at. We meet Drew on the stairs up to our room. Wearing only a towel and a complete look of shock-horror, he looks like a man who knows he fucked up.

Artist Impression

We left without taking a photo, but it doesn’t matter, Mike has a photographic memory.

We head to the venue early just so we can get out of this godforsaken place. We unload our gear and meet all the bands. Everyone is real accommodating, especially Alex from Ohm Rune & Scalphunter, who we’ve kept in contact with over the interwebz. We kick around waiting for the show to start. Drew is confronted by one of the bar staff about the Emu Export can he’s drinking. Drew swears blind he bought it at the bar. The bartender retorts, stating the bar isn’t even open yet. Drew tries his luck a little further, but ends in having his beer confiscated. He shrugs off the loss, and informs the rest of us that the bottleshop across from the venue sells the cans for $2.50. We drink beer at a bus stop until the show starts.

Bus Stop Beers

The show goes really well. Drew walks away with a lump the size of an apple on his shin and covered in wax.

Bubushka

Drew Wax

Photo courtesy of Den Rad

After, at the merch desk, people constantly thanking us for making the trip to Perth. We’re constantly thanking them for actually turning up. The crowd eventually dwindles out of the venue and the bar staff shout us a round and hang out for a while. We tell them all about our hostel predicament and Drew possibly leaving the shower with webbed feet, and Alex offers for us to stay at his place. He introduces us to his wife, Liz, who hesitantly agrees to let us stay. We drink till 3am at their house and each get a place to sleep that hasn’t played host to hepatitis.

Alex and Liz

Thanks for da mmrs Alex and Liz. Not pictured, Cookie.

In the morning, we return to the hostel to grab what ever was left in our room. Kerim volunteers to run back to the room and is surprised to find two backpackers in our beds. We get the fuck out of there and make the two-and-a-half hour drive to Bunbury, with Alex as our tour guide. We have a lovely day, stopping at winery and brewery.

Wine Tour

Wine knowledge

Beer tour

Prince of Wales Hotel, Bunbury w/ Ohm Rune, Shit Narnia and Blackwitch

Our first impression of Bunbury is courtesy of two gentlemen who greet us as we arrive in the hotel’s carpark. It’s around 4pm, and both are wasted. One hurls homophobic slurs and calls Kerim “top knot”. This will be great…

The show goes well and we drink with Ohm Rune and Shit Narnia for a while. Kerim, Drew, Lee and I have a flight at 5:45am, so we load up the car and make the drive back to Perth. It isn’t a comfortable experience, and one of the few luxuries is a flask of vodka I’ve kept in my bag for emergencies and a few cold and flu tablets to stay awake long enough to get my arse on the plane. Lee and I drink our way to the airport in the back of the hire car. We all sleep the whole way home.

Lounging Packed and ready for anything.