Totally Unicorn’s Totally Raucous Tour Diary, Part 4

Totally Unicorn have already got a reputation as a band that gives absolutely everything on stage night after night, and they’ve also got a reputation for being a bunch of legendary loose units. It’s lucky for us, then, that they documented all of the above shenanigans in a hilarious tour diary, which chronicles their adventures at the recent BIGSOUND conference and Poison City Weekender, plus all the house parties, wine tastings and assorted other hijinks that came in between.

Here is part 4, read part 1 here, part 2 here and part 3 here.

The Dream Life tour is almost at a close.

This week in particular has been a cracker. Mike hosted his first official #wineevent down at the ‘Gong. The band hosted Rage first the first time. Claps all round.



Newtown Social Club, Sydney w/ Pagan, Bare Bones and Arteries

I head to Newtown Social Club straight from work. We sound check without a Kerim because in classic Newtown style, he’s held up trying to find a car spot. Welcome home.

We’re looked after (as always) by the Social Club; the rider is hefty and our best buds at Young Henrys have sorted us out with tinnies of their Newtowner. It’s good to finally play on home turf; hugs and high fives are in abundance.

Milk crate
Photo courtesy Demonraceproductions

My initial worries of a subdued crowd – a casualty of gigs on a school night –instantly vanish as we’re heckled as soon as we hit the stage.

Photo courtesy Demonraceproductions

This is the wildest show we’ve played so far. A milk crate spends most of the set airborne. Our good mate Rivals blows his one job (and crotch) while trying to set off a glitter bomb, upside down. It’s a party.

Photo courtesy Demonraceproductions

Kerim Piggyback
Photo courtesy From The Pit

During pack-down, I assess the damage my guitar has taken and rule out any chance of further use this tour. I remove a clump of hair from the headstock; it has way too much volume to be my own. ***NOTICE*** If you are indeed the owner of this hairball, please accept my sincerest apologies for any pain inflicted, and my gratitude for saving me from certain injury. If you’re in desperate need for it to be returned, hmu xxx

We celebrate the night’s success with Patron shots (thanks, Dan) and a heap of beers.

The Cambridge Hotel, Newcastle w/ Pagan, Jamie Hay and Eat Your Heart Out

I awake in the morning with no memories of goodbyes, and head to work.

Yet again, I finish work and head straight to Newcastle with Kerim, Lee and my wife, Beanie. Due to our late exit from Sydney, and the long weekend traffic, Kerim does his best to make up lost time. Beanie quietly exclaims that she fears for her life, while Lee and I knock back $2.50 tallies in hysterics.

Because of the back-to-back shows I’ve not had a chance to re-string my backup guitar. Lee and I change them in the back seat. If it weren’t such a painful task, I would have felt heaps punk rock.

We stop at a servo halfway to Newy. Kerim is suffering from vertigo and isn’t doing too well. After a few minutes of debate, it’s decided that Beanie will drop Lee and I at the Cambridge and then take Kerim to hospital. I phone Mike to organise an amp splitter (thanks, Mitta), to cover Kerim’s absence, and we play the show without him.

We manage to pull it off sans guitar-bro-in-arms and head straight home. We find out Kerim has a middle ear infection. Hopefully, the day break between now and our Yours and Owls set on Sunday is enough to get him back on his feet.

Yours and Owls Weekender, Wollongong

Everyone’s pretty stoked that we, of all bands, are allowed to play such an event. We’re lucky enough to be able to hang out at the festival on our day off. We ravage our rider and meet and greet some of the big names playing the festival.

Mike Jez
Mike and some Jezabels

Mike TLE
Mike and Mr Chris Cheney

I wander around the backstage area like a fanboy looking for someone from Cog to ear fuck. I try to have a chat with Luke, the bass player, but he keeps the talk small and avoids eye contact. I don’t blame him.

Kerim piss

If there’s brown liquor about, Kerim will find it out.


It’s day two, we get up early and reconvene at the backstage area of the stage we’re playing. We have our own chill tent, so we kick back, do a few interviews and drink a heap of drinks. The backstage area is like some little oasis in the desert, but with more beer and heaps more shade. It’s divine.

tent lyf

It’s our turn to have go at this giggo thing. Lee opts for a boardshorts/no shoes combo on stage; he figures it will help him appease in with the locals. What it does do, is give him giant blisters on the soles of his feet (PSA: these blisters stick around till Thursday week. The stage’s carpeting is that wet/dry stuff boats use.

It’s as abrasive as what I imagine The Rocks’ pubes are, if he had pubes. He probs doesn’t, hey. I only wish I had a photo…

Photo courtesy Nic Bezzina

Surprisingly, we play to a sizable crowd. Drew starts a jump rope comp in the pit, and each of us having plenty of room to roam around the pube rug.

Jump rope
Photo courtesy Nic Bezzina

It’s a wild show. I lose a pair of undies to a dude who gives me the wedgie from hell. Thanks Wollongong…

Photo courtesy Nic Bezzina

We spend the rest of the night watching from backstage. I’m hoping we (I) wasn’t too much trouble for the stagehands.

No idea

Next week is our last of tour. If anything can top this weekend, I’ll be a shell of a human. And with that, I leave you with the wise words of a wise, saggy-balled man…

“Life’s a beach, bro” – Drew Gardner

Photo courtesy Nic Bezzina

Totally Unicorn’s tour wraps up this week in Brisbane and Byron Bay. Catch details here below and stay tuned for the final tour diary chapter

Friday 7th October
Foundry, Brisbane
Tickets: OzTix

Saturday 8th October
The Northern, Byron Bay
Tickets: Venue

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