The Book Of Souls has been opened. It’s T-minus three weeks and counting until heavy metal lords Iron Maiden touch down upon our shores in a fully-repaired Ed Force One jet, kicking off the Aussie leg of their absolutely gargantuan world album tour.
And if you’re a Maiden fan, then you probably understand why this means we should all be preparing to fall upon our knees and beg for the great Bruce Dickinson to spare our lives and bless our crops as he descends from the skies to grace us with his immortal presence (and more cowbell).
Non-Maiden devotees, however, may not have the same innate survival instinct.
So allow us to very possibly save your life.
Bruce Dickinson is the Chuck Norris of heavy metal. In fact, he is the only person in the world that Chuck Norris has reason to fear.
Because Bruce Dickinson is not just the frontman of the most kickass heavy metal band of all time. He’s also…
1. A Commercial Pilot & Marketing Director
Most Maiden fans know that Bruce Dickinson is a fully licensed airline pilot. He regularly flew Boeing 757s in his role as a captain for the now-defunct UK charter airline Astraeus, which also employed him as their Marketing Director for two years.
But did you know that Bruce Dickinson has also been in the cockpit for multiple high profile military and commercial voyages, including the time he returned a group of British RAF pilots home from Afghanistan in 2008, 200 UK citizens home from Lebanon during the Israel/Hezbollah conflict in 2006, and 180 stranded holiday makers home from Egypt following the collapse of XL Airways in September of 2008?
Bruce Dickinson’s fearsome aeronautical skills were also called upon to fly football giants Rangers F.C. and Liverpool F.C. to away matches in Israel and Italy during the same time period.
If you’re lucky, you can currently catch Bruce Dickinson piloting Iron Maiden’s official Boeing 747 jumbo Ed Force One jet and flying his band around the world on their Book Of Souls tour.
It is said that volcanoes inquire about Bruce Dickinson’s flight patterns before they erupt so as not to disturb him.
2. An Endangered Turtle Rescuer
Bruce Dickinson was recently involved in a noble mission to fly a sick, endangered turtle named Terri from New Jersey all the way back to his home on the Canary Islands. Bruce Dickinson volunteered his private jet for the task, and though it is not yet known whether Bruce Dickinson piloted the aircraft himself, of course he did.
Some scientists hypothesise that there is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Bruce Dickinson allows to live.
3. An Actual Doctor
As well as graduating university with a degree in history, Bruce Dickinson was awarded an honorary doctorate of music by London’s Queen Mary College in 2011.
Now every appointment that Bruce Dickinson goes to is a doctor’s appointment.
4. An Olympic-Level Fencer
In 1989, Bruce Dickinson was ranked seventh in all of Great Britain. Legend has it that Bruce Dickinson was even invited to join the British Olympic team, but declined due to Iron Maiden’s touring commitments.
There are also rumours that Bruce Dickinson once challenged Superman to a sword fight and the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
5. A Military Veteran
Bruce Dickinson proved that he is not afraid to fight for what’s right, spending a short amount of time serving in the Territorial Army, a part-time voluntary section of the British Armed forces, prior to his university studies and achievement of global domination via heavy metal.
6. An Accomplished Screenwriter
Bruce Dickinson co-authored the script for the 2008 film Chemical Wedding about infamous alchemist and satanist Aleister Crowley.
The most incredible thing about this is that Bruce Dickinson didn’t even lift a finger to write the script. The words simply assembled themselves out of fear.
Watch: Chemical Wedding Trailer
7. A Radio DJ
Bruce Dickinson presented Bruce Dickinson’s Friday Rock Show on BBC radio for eight years straight between 2002 and 2010. When the station axed the show, Bruce Dickinson hit them with a very public “Fuck you” by blasting the Johnny Paycheck version of Take This Job and Shove It live on air during his final episode.
Bruce Dickinson always has the last laugh.
8. An Ale Brewer
Bruce Dickinson worked alongside England’s Robinson’s brewery in 2013 to formulate Maiden’s signature The Trooper ale, whose sheer potency makes it virtually un-neckable.
Bruce Dickinson wants to develop more beers in the future which may or may not be carbonated with nitroglycerin.
9. A Tank Owner
Bruce Dickinson is the proud owner of a T34 Soviet tank, meaning he now makes as much noise on the road as he does on stage.
Speaking of roads, there was once a road named after Bruce Dickinson but they had to change it, because no one crosses Bruce Dickinson and lives.
10. Beaten Cancer
Scientists believe that Bruce Dickinson’s tears may actually hold the cure for cancer. Which is too bad, because Bruce Dickinson has never cried.
11. And All This After Getting Expelled From Boarding School
Bruce Dickinson got kicked out after taking a piss in his headmaster’s soup (totally legit).
Bruce Dickinson also once took a piss on a semi-truck’s gas tank as a joke… That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Check out some of what you can expect from Bruce Dickinson and Iron Maiden’s forthcoming Australian tour right here.
Watch: Iron Maiden – The Book Of Souls World Tour Intro
Iron Maiden Australian Tour Dates
Wednesday, 4th May 2016
Brisbane Entertainment Center, Brisbane
Friday, 6th May 2016
Sydney Allphones Arena, Sydney
Monday, 9th May 2016
Rod Laver Arena, Melbourne
Thursday, 12th May 2016
Adelaide Entertainment Centre, Adelaide
Saturday, 14th May 2016
Perth Arena, Perth