Splendour in the Grass is first and foremost a divine musical oasis where like-minded souls come together to celebrate music, mateship and multiple beverage intake amidst an otherwise damp and dreary winter season. Sure, ok, fine, but let’s cut the bullshit for a second and discuss the other main reason we migrate to Byron each July, to get our pash on.
Making out, frenchin’, snogging, macking on, dabbling in some tonsil hockey, tongue-tasting, whatever the shit you want to call it, putting your mouth-hole on someone else’s mouth-hole and simply going to town on that bad boy is obviously one of the more superior motives for attending Splendour each year and if you say or think otherwise you’re straight up lying to yourself and I’m disappointed in you as a person.
With SITG approaching faster than a pash rash spreads in winter, and the set times now available, I thought I’d put my advanced knowledge on all things making out (I’ve kissed over four different people, most of them awake) to good use, and outline for you the 9 best moments of the upcoming Splendour weekend to find a pash-pal and get tonguey with it.
1. Flight Facilities – Byron Pre-Party, Thursday night
The first opportune moment to make out (or pashpurtunity, if you will) is easily at the Thursday night pre-party in Byron’s own The Northern. Generally the early arrivees in attendance are keen fucking beans and therefore up for a bit of warm-up mouthercise with a fellow Splendour frother.
My suggestion is during deck-wizards Flight Facilities sexy as all hell Clair De Lune. That song just does things to people.
Pashtensity: Gentle and rhythmic. Not only is this a muscular preparation for a full weekend of tongue-play, but it’s also a pretty fucking long song. Avoid those cramps my friends!
2. #1 Dads – G.W McLennan Tent, 5.30pm Friday
It’s no secret that #1 Dad’s Tom Iansek (MORE LIKE IANSEX AMIRITE) is one of the most handsomest dudes on the Splendour lineup. I don’t care what your orientation is, just look at that bearded musical god and try not to feel the irrepressible urge to lock lips.
Whilst charging the stage and pouncing on Tom’s very own luscious set of smoochers sounds ideal, it’s generally not recommended (as my AVO will attest to) so maybe wait till he hopefully drops his cover of FKA Twigs sexfest of a tune Two Weeks and find a willing partner (might I suggest another nearby Daddy) to “mouth open” with you.
Pashtensity: Look, any advice I give you here will become null and void once the combination of Tom and the bonerific Two Weeks takes over. You won’t be in control.
3. No Lights No Lycra – Splendour In The Craft, 6.30pm Friday
Here’s one for all you ugos! Just kidding, you’re all beautiful unique snowflakes who emanate beauty or whatever. No Lights No Lycra is a long-running Australian innovation, in which participants hurl their grotesque bodies about a dimly lit space, free of concern about being judged for lacking even the most basic understanding of how limbs operate and it truly is a bucket of uninhibited, expressive fun.
So whilst everyone is all buzzed on natural endorphins and feeling good about themselves and their bodies, how about finding someone to feel yours up with a nice mid-dance dalliance of mouths.
Pashtensity: Much like your unrestricted dancing it should be wild, callous and carefree. Pash like no one’s watching.
4. Women Of Letters – The Forum, 10am Saturday
I said it last year and I’ll say it again, Women Of Letters is one of THE best non-music events to check out at Splendour, each year gathering a tasty Arnott’s Assortment of human biscuits opening up their gooey fillings via reading heartfelt letters and providing sustenance for the soul just when you need it, the morning of Day 2.
Bringing back their ever popular People Of Letters version of the long-running series, where the much-maligned male species FINALLY gets some god damn equality and joins the witty, brilliant array of female speakers, the gig is the perfect moment to find an emotionally drained guy or gal who probably needs a huge and a quick pash to recuperate.
Pashtensity: Soothing and reverential. These people very likely just cried a bunch. Don’t take advantage of them any further, you monster.
5. The Grates – Ampitheatre, 4.45pm Saturday
One of the most contagiously joyous and uplifting stalwarts of the Australian music scene, The Grates, are finally back with some new tunes and offer a perfect Saturday afternoon slot for some face-licking. Fun fact: lead singer Patience and guitarist John revealed last year that they are actually more then just band buddies, are totally in love, got married and then made a tiny human with their bits!
With that in mind, go ahead and seek out your potential future baby-making companion because we now know that LOVE IS REAL. Recent single Call Me is the ideal moment to tongue-on, just check out the video for it for some ideas.
Pashtensity: Go at like 80% of your A-game, stud. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person, you’re going to want them to come back for more.
6. Azalea Banks – Mix Up Stage, 8.30pm Saturday
We’re yet to hit the dance-oriented Mix Up stage on our never-ending hunt for pashpurtunities, but by all means please do not ignore it’s bountiful offerings of energetic people who’s jaws are already well warmed up for some action. Plus most of them have gum handy, so that’s nice!
Pinger jokes aside, Azalea Banks should definitely be on your make-out map, particularly when she busts out 212, mainly so when you sing along to “what’s your dick like homie/ what are you into?” it is potentially super relevant. Make sure to start a Twitter war with the person afterwards in true Banks fashion.
Pashtensity: Fervent and with gusto. Azalea’s sets historically go for about 4-6 minutes, so make the most of it.
7. Oh Mercy – G.W McLennan Tent, 1.45pm Sunday
Oof, it’s Sunday and you’re probably feeling about as fresh as a festival portaloo right now, so let’s take it easy for your next mouth ravaging courtesy of the laconic rock vibes of Oh Mercy.
I’m going to be honest with you, this is not going to taste the greatest, as only soft amateurs bring and/or utilise a toothbrush during Splendour (come at me you hygienic princesses!), so suck it up (literally) and get involved whilst Stay, Please Stay echoes the sentiment you’re projecting to your co-pashee.
Pashtensity: Let the other person do all the work on this one, you’ve earned it, ya big legend.
8. Thundamentals – G.W McLennan Tent, 8.45pm Sunday
It’s around 9-9.30pm on Sunday night and you’ve found yourself at Thundamentals playing the G.W tent and you suddenly realise you’ve made a huge mistake. Yep, Australia’s greatest current rock band Tame Impala are playing right now and for whatever garbage life decision you’ve made or possibly due to the sheer amount of substances you’ve put in your body, leaving you utterly unaware of space and time, you’re missing it. Yeah, ya blew it.
Hey, I mean no respect to the Thundamental crew, they’re a talented bunch of performers but… Tame Impala. TAME IMPALA YOU IDIOTS. Anyway, hopefully one of the twelve other people who’ve fucked up as bad as you have are up for a smooch.
Pashtensity: Put all your energy into this one as you try not to think about what you’re doing with your life.
9. Blur – Amphitheatre, 10.30pm Sunday
We did it gang, we made it to the end of Splendour alive and most likely with several exciting new cold sores! With Blur closing out this year’s festival, you’re going to want a make-out moment that seals the deal.
Obviously Song 2 is out of the question, you’re going to need your mouth for all those “WOOHOO”s, so may I suggest Charmless Man, which is ripe for a pick-up line that will no doubt guarantee tonsil-play well into the night. “You may be a charmless man, but would you like to also be a pantsless man?” for example.
Pashtensity: Go all out friends, nibble the lip, “python” it, just straight up hoover that mouth. It’s all or nothing.
So there you have it my pash pupils, a handy guide to when and where to find your snog-mates at SITG. Go forth and make the mouth of your Splendour weekend! And keep an eye out for yours truly, the dashing Music Feeds employee with a moustache and copious Chapstick on xo.