Christmas time means many things to us over here at Music Feeds. It’s a time to reflect on the year that was, to get together with dear friends and family to exchange thoughtful gifts, share happy memories and laugh boisterously HA HA HA!
But there’s no doubt our favourite festive tradition is gathering our mates, cracking open a bottle of Jack Daniels Old No 7 and sitting back to enjoy history’s sappiest, cheesiest and weirdest Christmas songs of all time.
So, mates, in the name of tradition and in honour of our favourite spirit, we proudly present the 7 Worst Christmas Songs that can only be made better when enjoyed with friends and a healthy splash of JD.
7. Madonna – Santa Baby
The Material Girl herself successfully ruins a classic and when you can honestly say “The Pussycat Dolls did it better”, you know it’s bad.
6. Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmas Time
From the Space Invaders intro to the god-awful repetition of the song title, this one from Sir Paul just tips the sap scale for us. Admittedly though, after the third listen, it becomes scarily catchy.
5. David Bowie and Bing Crosby – Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy
Look, everyone’s threshold for cheese is heightened this time of year but even the mushiest amongst us couldn’t conceive why music’s coolest, Bowie, and suavest, Bing Crosby, would agree to this 1977 slice of whiffy gouda.
4. New Kids on the Block – Funky, Funky Xmas
It’s the lyrics in this one that make it Christmas art, with those pesky New Kids on the Block cheerfully rapping, “it’s snowing outside but we ho-ho-hoing.” Enjoy!
3. Run DMC – Christmas In Hollis
Continuing down our lyrical rabbit hole, Run DMC (and their creepy elf) ditch all street cred and boast “the rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl’s, But each and every year we bust Christmas carols.”
2. Robbie Williams – Walk This Sleigh
And the puns don’t stop there. Chappy Robbie delights us all with his witty stylings as he croons of roasting “our nuts on open fires.” Complete with an interlude of that Mahna Mahna song from The Muppet Show, Robbie proves to us that he clearly believes in Christmas, so what do you believe in?
1. NewSong – The Christmas Shoes
This stinker is by far the worst Christmas song you’ll ever hear. Based on the best-selling book of the same name, our singer narrates the story of a destitute young boy (blergh) trying to purchase some expensive shoes for his gravely ill mother (gak), begging a stranger to help him because he want his mum “to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight”. Yep.
Forget the hard-sell on the Christian message, this cut from 2000 sounds like it was forgotten in the early ’90s, replete with nylon guitar solo, sweeping chimes and the most insipid, saccharine and breathy vocals you’ve heard outside of Shawn Mullins’ Butterfly Kisses. And, yes, that’s Rob Lowe in the film clip.
So to kick off your favourite holiday tradition head over to the official Jack Daniels Holiday BARREL TREE website and get your hands on a whole bunch of JD goodness, including BBQ Hill recipes, exclusive videos and content and a chance to go in the running to win a trip for you and 7 mates to the JD distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee!
Disclaimer: Keep in mind these songs are really, really bad so please make sure to drink responsibly.