ORIGINAL STORY: Alright you maggots. It’s the eve of Splendour In The Grass‘s official ticket sale date and you’ve only got one chance not to fuck this up.
So here’s the drill: Eminem may not be on this year’s SITG lineup, but a crap-tonne of other huge acts are, including but not limited to Queens Of The Stone Age, LCD Soundsystem, The xx, Vance Joy, Peking Duk and King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE STEPPING ON EACH OTHER’S DICKS TRYING TO GET TICKETS WHEN THEY GO ON SALE AT 9AM SHARP TOMORROW.
But if you follow our instructions on this, the eve of battle, you’ll maximise your chances of coming out of there
alive with Splendour In The Grass tickets.
First thing you need to do is strategise which method you’re going to use to recover the target. There are three options this year:
1. Head to Moshtix online
2. Call Moshtix on 1300 GET TIX (438 849)
3. Or click the ‘Buy Tickets’ button on the Splendour In The Grass 2017 mobile app
If you choose the first option, step 1 is to MAKE SURE YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL MOSHTIX ACCOUNT SET UP (very important time-saving measure) prior to tickets going on sale, as well as your login deets, credit card details, and the names and dates of birth for all of the soldiers in your unit (i.e. the people who are making you buy tickets for them because they’re too goddamn lazy).
NB: The names/DOBs are super important because Splendour requires both tickets AND IDs at the gate. This means anyone who tries to rock up with a ticket purchased under another person’s name will be sent packing.
Obviously also ensure you’ve enough dosh in your bank account to afford however many tickets it is you’re after (and remember, there’s a limit of 4 per person). So take a squiz at the prices now, just to double check:
Payment can be made by Visa Checkout, Visa, Mastercard and PayPal only.
Also worth noting:
Obviously set at least 5 alarms to make sure you wake up early enough to get yourself set up at a phone/laptop with a speedy connection before tix go on sale, and in the latter case keep calm and start refreshing the hell out of the Moshtix screen from about 5 minutes to 9.
And let this image sear into your retinas because you’re going to be seeing a lot of it tomorrow morning and you will need to be able to CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND FOCUS ON YOUR MISSION, PRIVATE!
Patience is going to be key to success here. So arm yourself with all the info you need to buy tickets, get your trigger finger all limbered up and tell your boss/teacher/lecturer you’re not going to be coming in until you’ve made those tickets ya bitch.
Now on our signal, unleash hell.
Splendour In The Grass 2017 Lineup
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE
SCHOOLBOY Q (ONLY AUS SHOW)
TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB
FATHER JOHN MISTY
CATFISH AND THE BOTTLEMEN
KING GIZZARD AND THE LIZARD WIZARD
FUTURE ISLANDS (ONLY AUS SHOW)
THE SMITH STREET BAND
THE KITE STRING TANGLE
THE LEMON TWIGS
LATE NITE TUFF GUY
KIRIN J CALLINAN
THE PEEP TEMPEL
THE WILSON PICKERS
HARVEY SUTHERLAND AND BERMUDA
Splendour In The Grass 2017
Visa Checkout pre-sale begins 9am AEST Wednesday, 5th April
Tickets on sale to general public 9am AEST Thursday, 6th April
Friday, 21st — Sunday, 23rd July
North Byron Parklands, Byron Bay
Tickets: Official Website