As we swing into the second half of this, the 2015th year of our lord and saviour Beyonce, our minds inevitably turn to the impending summer and its bountiful offerings of music festival delights, with the past couple of weeks particularly seeing a veritable shit tonne of New Year’s Eve festivals announcing their delicious lineups.
Planning for any new years activities is always fraught with the anxiety of how to best lessen the inevitable disappointment of a usually over-hyped night. Where exactly do you want to be, and with whom, when you’re hurling a mixture of champagne and bourbon against a tree stump at three in the morning of a fresh new year?
Well we’re here to help sort your way through the litany of festival choices in which to see out 2K15 in style. Find your character type below and discover where you’ll be hunting for a NYE midnight pash this year!
The Party Animal
It’s fricken New Year’s Eve mofos and you aren’t here to fuck spiders (mostly because the Arachnid Love Association meets in March) and you’re a’froth for some balls out, raging good times. You and thirty or so of your mates want the ultimate musical shindig to get messy at and you don’t care who knows it.
Falls Festival Lorne is the place for you, my care-free young spirit, known as the original and best party palooza for NYE. If you aren’t pashing someone from a neighbouring tent at the ampitheatre stage with four cans of the good stuff in your pockets on the stroke of midnight, you’ve fucked up something fierce.
Fest 4 You: Falls @ Lorne. Get your horn on at Lorne.
Think of all the shakas you will throw / Photo Nikki Williams
The Foodie
First of all, if you’ve ever voiced out loud your disposition as a “foodie”, it’s probably about time you walked into the ocean and never came back. That said, this hideous designation is the easiest way to headline this section to let’s just go with it.
If, unlike me, you require something more then undercooked spinach gozleme three times a day to subsist on for your NYE weekend, there’s plenty of fancy gourmet selections at several of this year’s festivals. Lost Paradise has “whimsical long table feasts” so you don’t have to eat at sensible tables of miniscule length like some kind of fucking pleb, but taking the (possibly literal) cake is Beyond The Valley with “everything from 12 hour slow cooked pulled pork to the greatest in vegan delights.”
And here I was thinking ‘vegan’ and ‘delight’ were mutually exclusive. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Fest 4 You: Beyond The Valley you Masterchef loving fiend.
They call this the ‘Duck Penis’ and it is delish!
The First Timer
Aww who’s a cute lil’ baby festival attendee? Welcome to the invigorating and debaucherous world of weekend camping festivals you adorable virgin. You’ll probably want to take it slow if you’re popping your music fest cherry with a NYE expedition, a nice gentle way to ease it in, if you will.
Falls might be a bit too much people for your delicate, un-moshed skin plus you will 100% get lost in their sprawling tent mega-cities and end up sleeping on a fold-out table spooning a naked hirsute gentlemen so let’s rule that out. (Unless….)
I think NYE On The Hill is the perfect way to lube up and penetrate a music festival for the very first time. With a focus on “freedom from massive crowds”, and a restricted ticket allotment, On The Hill is a good-vibing, gentle party atmosphere to function as your training wheels.
Fest 4 You: NYE On The Hill ya bloody cutie.
Think of all the swears you could yell at nature from this spot!
The Yoga Nut
Whilst I’m hesitant to use the phrase yoga nut, as if you are indeed a major yoga fan you’ve probably also sworn off all nuts and legumes because of their latent fat content or their hazy chakra or some shit, but for some reason yoga at music festivals is all the rage. Well, not rage I guess cause that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve???
A couple of NYE festivals have listed yoga on their shit-to-do-besides-dance offerings but if you’re all about getting downward doggy with it, Lost Paradise, with its “Yoga Tent with Australia’s top yogis & workshops to shift your body, mind, & soul”, is the sweaty, bendy mecca for you.
Fest 4 You: Lost Paradise will limber you the fuck up.
“But I thought I was the Top Yogi.”
The Glamper
For those wondering what exactly “glamping” is, it’s just like regular camping, except your a precocious little fuckwit who thinks they’re better than everyone else. I joke (sorta), there’s plenty of not-entirely-shitbag people who simply want an on-ground festival experience where the more unseemly and gritty elements are mitigated by beds which aren’t inflated and toilets with actual seats on them. Good for them.
Several NYE festivals offer upgrades to pre-set-up camping outfits in which you can simply swan into with your Country Road bag and little else, with BtV and Lost Paradise offering luxury packages for the elitist discerning festival punter.
Fest 4 You: Beyond the Valley has three tiers of glamping for you to sink your delicate, sensitive teeth into.
Beyond The Valley’s Luxury Bell Tent where your sense of superiority: Priceless.
The Cheapskate
So you want to get amongst it this NYE but what with how the house market is, and all those welfare cuts and the carbon tax (yeah, I don’t understand how finances work), your wallet doesn’t seem to want you to do anything other then cry into a cask of wine on the couch and watch the tedious fireworks on TV (I hear there’s gonna be green ones this year!).
Well lucky for you povo, NYE On The Hill has you sorted, as this particular weekend festival is 100% BYO. No forking out $40 for 300 drink tickets which gets you exactly 1.5 mid-strength ciders, no siree! If you and your mate bring a car each, one for camping gear and one stockpiled with half your local bottle-o’s stock, your laughing all the way to the bank (and maybe hospital if you don’t take it easy champ.) Solved!
Fest 4 You: NYE On The Hill because BYO FTW.
“Uhh, it’s just the one wine cask Mr. Security guard, that’s all.”
The Disgraced Former Speaker Of The House
There’s only one NYE festival offering some premo ticket packages which include arrival to the site via a motherflippin’ helicopter. So if you’re a disgraced former speaker of the lower house, you better believe this one is up your alley.
Fest 4 You: Lost Paradise so you can “GET TO DA CHOPPER”.
The Rebel
“What the shit is this?”, you furiously type on the comment section of this article. “I don’t need some music ‘journalist’ to tell me what to do. I’M MY OWN MAN!”. And you’re right. If you’re the free-willed, individual who doesn’t need a “hack writer” to lead you, no doubt, astray with his “deadshit opinions”, then might I suggest Origin NYE festival.
Taking place once again in Perth this year, Origin traditionally features a mix of electronic and hip-hop acts with last year’s lineup including AlunaGeorge, Baauer and Danny Brown. Also Perth is very far away from where I live so that’d be great for both of us.
Fest 4 You: Origin NYE, for reasons.
You, probably.
