Alice In Chains Guitarist Jerry Cantrell Is Giving Away His Toilet

Here’s some shitty news.

In what will undoubtedly go down as a timeless parable about hard work paying off, Alice In Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell has generously decided to bequeath his old toilet bowl to one of his top employees.

Said staffer, named “The Baldy”, has blogged about the grunge legend’s benevolent offering, while rubbing our proverbial noses in the shitter that will surely be occupying his own throne room shortly.

“Jerry is having the toilet in his home replaced and asked if I wanted the old one,” The Baldy writes.

“I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but researching toilets isn’t one of them. Well, it turns out that there are a wide variety of toilets out there, and much to my surprise, there’s actually a massive price disparity between your average toilet and the really upscale models.”

He continues: “So Jerry is offering to give me a really nice toilet because he’s replacing it with a REALLY nice toilet.”

However, The Baldy also confesses to being somewhat of a novice when it comes to ass-gasket quality.

“I’m not so sure that once the ham hits the seat that my butt cheeks are discerning enough to know the difference between a regular and fancy toilet though, so I don’t know if I’ll take him up on his offer,” he reveals.

But that’s beside the point… According to The Baldy, Cantrell’s toilet is a symbol of something much deeper (and we’re not talking about the sewerage system).

“You read from time to time about famous people doing nice things behind the scenes,” he writes. “Well, I’m behind the scenes, and I can tell you that the members of Alice In Chains, both collectively and individually, do nice things for people all of the time.”

“I’m actually pretty impressed by what these guys have done over the years. They’ve helped a lot of people and a lot of causes in a lot of different ways, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that some of what they’ve done may have even helped save a life or two.

“I have tremendous respect & admiration for the way these guys live their lives, and how they pay forward their good fortune.”

The Baldy then concludes the post philosophically, as such:

“So whether it’s in the form of a free toilet, or just the feeling you get from doing something nice for someone else, a perk is a wonderful thing.

Somehow, I managed to correlate and weave a story about a toilet into an exposé on the benevolent nature of the members of Alice In Chains.

And after 10 years of writing about the band, I also managed to finally work my butt cheeks into things.

See guys?


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