Tool have issued a bizarre ultimatum to the internet trolls hanging shit on their long-awaited new album.
It’s been a decade and counting since the release of the metal behemoths’ last record 10,000 Days, and countless fans have grown understandably weary with the incessant false alarms and bit-by-bit updates on the progress of the long, long, long-awaited record.
Last month, Tool kindly asked fans to cool it with the constant cries of “are we there yet” regarding their new album’s release date, and now, in an oddball newsletter sent over the weekend, the band have addressed all of the Negative Nancies whinging about the disc’s tardiness, and warned about the potential impact of that negativity on their work.
The newsletter, which was written by the band’s webmaster and signed by each member, seems to channel The Secret, issuing a foreboding caution of negative attitudes breeding negative consequences, while singling out the “small minority” who engage in “hostile behavior and small-mind opinions”.
“They are also not fooling anyone by saying that: ‘They are tired of waiting for an album and jumping ship’, or ‘They’ve had enough and are over this band.’ Or, my all time favorite: ‘After being Tool’s biggest fan for 19 years, I am now disavowing my favorite band’,” the letter reads.
“Oh really? Please tell me then – why is it that those who complain the loudest are almost always the first to comment negatively on any given post? It’s as if they are just sitting at their computer – day and night – waiting for any piece of news so that they can pounce with their cynical viewpoint. By doing so, they invalidate all their disavowing!”
The letter then goes on to relate some truly bizarre examples of how negative actions can impact positive intentions, including a mistaken order at US sandwich chain Arby’s and the vandalism of some piles of mountain rock markers or something (?).
It then concludes with an ominous threat: “Like the Tool trolls, it’s all fun and games… until it isn’t. Remember: thoughts have energy. Make sure your thoughts are positive… or all hell’s gonna break loose.”
Well, shit. Better keep thinking them happy thoughts, y’all.
Read the full newsletter below (via Alternative Nation):
This newsletter is about positive thinking versus negative thinking. It’s also about cleansing negative energy and boosting positive energy. When it comes to the subject of the new Tool album, even though those whose negative thoughts and actions (running from pessimistic to antagonistic) are in the small minority, their negative attitudes are having consequences that extend far beyond the next Tool record (I will provide a perfect example of this later on). And though their hostile behavior and small-mind opinions are not helping in bringing about the next Tool record in any way, shape or form, they are also not fooling anyone by saying that: “They are tired of waiting for an album and jumping ship”, or “They’ve had enough and are over this band.” Or, my all time favorite: “After being Tool’s biggest fan for 19 years, I am now disavowing my favorite band.” Oh really? Please tell me then – why is it that those who complain the loudest are almost always the first to comment negatively on any given post? It’s as if they are just sitting at their computer – day and night – waiting for any piece of news so that they can pounce with their cynical viewpoint. By doing so, they invalidate all their disavowing! To any psychiatrist worth their $$$, this would be clearly evident. (How much do psychiatrists charge? Being that I am what I would call “ultra-sane”, I really wouldn’t know.) Okay, now that this has been firmly established, allow me to give those of you whose inclination tends towards the negative an example of… positive thinking!
It happened at a local Arby’s fast food restaurant. Although we didn’t originally intend on going there for lunch, but, rather, just materialized there, my companion LaraLee and I suddenly found ourselves placing our food order. A few minutes later when we sat down with our trays, LaraLee realized that the guy at the register got her order wrong. Instead of the Jr. Ham and Cheese that she ordered (Arby’s is now offering healthy deli-style sandwiches as an alternative to the logs of shaved mystery meat that even dogs step back from), she got a Jr. Beef, Bacon, and Cheese. Also, rather than the side of Curley Fries that she wanted, she got their Potato Cakes. In other words, her entire order was completely wrong! (Well, not entirely, but it would be really hard for him to fuck up the drink since he just gives you an empty cup that you fill yourself).
Hearing this, I was about to storm the counter and get ignorant with the guy. But, I restrained myself. Realizing that Las Vegas ranks 49th from the top in school funding, I decided to cut him some slack. (Besides those glitzy casinos help pay for our well-maintained roads, and it was the soul-crushing traffic on buckled asphalt that caused us to consider moving from L.A., – the deciding factor being after noticing that the guy stuck on the 405 along side of us was reading a publication entitled, “A Guide To Potholes & Other Street Dangers.”) Just when I though that I was going to take the brunt of the Arby’s guy’s error, something rather amazing happened. It turned out that LaraLee really liked the sandwich, in fact, much more so than what she ordered! She also became a big fan of the potato cakes – right there on the spot – and said that she would order them along with the same sandwich the next time we materialized there.
So, far from being the dunce that I figured him to be (my negative attitude), the Arby’s counter guy was the perfect man for the position – knowing more about what people want to eat than they know, themselves! Indeed, he was someone who had really found his niche in life – as well as a living testament to the changing, improving Arby’s fast food chain! He could even be considered a genius when it comes to certain people and the fast food they want! Therefore, we were both rewarded on that day by my not going ballistic on him because the order was completely ‘wrong’ (my positive energy!), and drove home on quality roads…
But, getting back to the next Tool album – what’s there to be positive about, you ask? Well plenty of things, actually, with the first being that there is going to be a new Tool album. As you sit behind your computer, about to pounce with your nay saying, don’t take my word for it. (I haven’t been to the rehearsal space in many months, and have still only heard the lengthy ‘epic’ song and parts of several others that I mentioned in previous newsletters.) Instead, take the band members’ word for it.
Recently, at a Bass Camp (not as in a delicious bass to eat, as Justin, if I remember correctly, prefers to fish for fresh water Salmon whilst in a helicopter), when asked about the progress of the new album by Jakub from “Top Guitar”, the Tool bassist replied: “Just trust me that it’s gonna be awesome, it’s in the oven… it’s cooking, it’s cooking…” By cooking in the oven, Justin’s not talking about Beef Wellington as a proper Sunday roast. He’s also not talking about sticky toffee pudding, stodgy jam roly-poly, or treacle-laden sponge cake! He’s talking about the new Tool record! Not some Yorkshire Banoffee pie! And even more recently, while Danny was guest drumming on “Late Night With Seth Meyers” the host said (repeatedly) that the new Tool record is coming soon. Those who have attended a “meet and greet” with Adam know what he said about the progress of the new album. And Maynard took time from his busy schedule to address the validity of certain (inaccurate) claims, which should put an end to the whole “deliberately building anticipation” business (i.e. hype!)
Wait… don’t pounce! Don’t let those negative thoughts and that defeatist attitude get the best of you. Visualize them just rolling off you like water rolls off a duck’s back (sure, the one that you’re about to blow apart in a shock wave of feathers with your trusty Remington 870 pump-action). Just think about it – after waiting for so long – here you are still alive and kicking on this aqueous gem in the cosmos. You can make it… You can do this… You can make it… For you, with your newfound positive attitude, the home stretch will be a piece of cake (or Banoffee pie, if you’re so inclined).
Earlier, I mentioned how negative thoughts regarding having to wait for the next Tool album were having adverse consequences elsewhere. Well, recently while visiting Sedona, Arizona – a place that is almost synonymous with peace and tranquility, I was able to witness first hand the terrible “Cairn War.” Evidently, the tentacles of negativity have reached into what was once one of the most untroubled places in America.
While hiking one evening among the scenic red rocks, I couldn’t help notice the proliferation of cairns on the many trails. These piles of human-made stacked stones that marked the trailheads before the advent of GPS were now everywhere. However, the next morning, I saw that most of the piles of rocks had been toppled over by someone. This wasn’t by the guy who cleaned bugs from windshields at the “Y” Chevron. This wasn’t the work of Pleidians from Alcyon angry about being deprived of vital vortex energy by tourists from Nebraska. No this was the doings of once peaceful new-agers now with less than positive intentions that had declared war on those new-agers who constructed the cairns. Even the one that I saw with a toy figure of the dark lord Darth Vader brandishing a light-saber atop it was no match for the anti-stone stacking rebels. And as the cairn controversy continues to heat up, one has to wonder what’s next for the spiritual mecca? Parking signs at the New Age Center warning people about their vehicle being towed away if parked illegally as opposed to employing the natural energies of aquamarine to subconsciously instill mindfulness and obedience in the would-be offender?
What’s happening in Sedona is just one example. Need I mention the repeated reports across the country of creepy clowns (although LaraLee thinks this is part of a Halloween marketing ploy by the makers of phantom clown costumes!) Either way, like the Tool trolls, it’s all fun and games… until it isn’t. Remember: thoughts have energy. Make sure your thoughts are positive… or all hell’s gonna break loose.
BLAIR JUSTIN DANNY MAYNARD ADAM